How I Admire Thee
When was the last time you did something you really admired? It could be anything, small or large, but what was it? What did you feel when you accomplished it? I started to think about things that I have done, and truth be told, its been a little over a month since I did something I was really proud of. Let me explain where my thinking is coming from.
It starts with an essay Paul Graham wrote in 2006. In his essay “How to do what you love” he writes;
“To be happy I think you have to be doing something you not only enjoy, but admire.”
He argues that the most enjoyable thing one can do, is probably not going to give you long term satisfaction. It is better to do something admirable. If you think about it, that makes sense. The most enjoyable thing I could be doing right now is not writing this, but watching some Netflix. Aside from some entertainment, Netflix would give me nothing of long term value, even if it was a new episode of Narcos. Paul G then talks about what he thinks admiration is, along with tips on actually finding what you like.
I took that as a starting point for my own thinking on what admiration is. Here are some of my conclusions:
Audience Matters
It is incredibly easy to get caught up in todays world of social media. Posting up a few pictures and updating your status gives you a great feeling of satisfaction. Most of the time its instant gratification that these social networks provide you. If many people are excited about your online activities, it doesn’t mean you have done something admirable. It may feel like that, but they are not your audience.
Your audience is who you give power to. You, and only you, allow certain people’s opinions to impact your feeling. If you are aiming to succeed at work, then your audience is your boss, and your colleagues. Not your friends. If you’re aiming to impress your significant other, your audience is that person, not their friends. This is a concept that is not easy to accept most of the time, because we confuse quantity for impact. Being falsely admired by a large number of people is never as amazing as being truly admired by a select few. Queue “No New Friends”.
Choosing your audience carefully also has other benefits. The world will never hold you accountable for your short comings. They will simply move on and find the next person who can do what you did. At a macro level, you are replaceable. If you have a smaller, more meaningful audience however, they will help shape you to be the best you can be.
For example, have you ever done something you were too ashamed to tell your close friends until much later? Why? Is it because your actions would be deemed ‘not admirable’ to your social circle? You chose this social circle, and you gave them the power to judge your actions. Isn’t it amazing that you can now turn to them to admit these actions were not admirable? Or in some cases, not as bad as you think?
Admiration Requires Achievement
I remember the first time I landed in Berlin for a summer exchange. I felt incredible. I was in the middle of Europe, living a life my parents would probably never even get to see. I spoke to friends and told stories about the city, and it felt like I was doing something with my life. Doses of that same feeling appeared as I backpacked to other cities and updated my Instagram. After a while the effect wore off, and a sobering reality set in. Travelling was not as admirable as I thought.
To truly admire something you have to appreciate the work that went into it. You have to work towards an end goal and really achieve something. I admired travelling because I saw the hard work my parents put into my success. I had very little to do with being able to travel, outside of staying off some terrorist watchlist. For this reason, each successive trip didn’t bring me the same amount of excitement, it just made me want more achievement. I think the same applies to experiences. Our generation is fixated on spending money on experiences rather than objects. I don’t think that is admirable unless you have to work towards those experiences. For example, playing trampoline dodgeball is probably not admirable since you’re effectively jumping and throwing — things which even the primates did. Whereas surfing could be deemed admirable because it takes time and effort to be successful at it.
In order to admire yourself, you need to work towards accomplishing something. Paul Graham alludes to the same thing. It might take a week, a month, maybe much longer. The less work you need, the less satisfying it is overall. I think the general life motto is ‘always be achieving’.
Admiration is Relative
There are so many things influencing us without our approval, that it’s hard to decide what is truly part of our identify. Information is easily widespread, such that original thought is incredible difficult. It is easy to find things that most people admire, but hard to assess whether you personally admire them.
Suppose you met someone that had just climbed Mount Everest. Would you admire them? You may admire them because you have heard it is the tallest mountain, and probably a ridiculous climb. You may have climbed before, and appreciate the endurance it takes to succeed. You might even appreciate the hours someone has spent accomplishing this goal and deem this person to be a hard worker.
Now suppose you met a DJ who played a new track for you. This DJ spent the same number of hours perfecting her music skills as the person who climbed Everest. Would you admire her? Again, you may have tried making music before, or attended a number of concerts. You may know that less than 1% of musicians succeed, and the industry is becoming even more competitive. You may even pity her and feel you should admire her work because its not always seen as glamourous.
After meeting these two individuals, it is easy to get caught into thinking ‘which one would I rather be?’ In fact, we think like this all the time. We see our friends and colleagues doing things, and try to assess what we want, based on what they are doing. This is not the right question. Think about it, between these two choices, I would argue most people would want to climb Mount Everest. Have they asked themselves why? Do they dream of climbing Mount Everest one day? Is it even top 50 on their bucket list? Have they had this as a goal for a long time?
Don’t go climbing a mountain you don’t want to, just because it seems like the most admirable thing to do. I strongly believe that most of us in the West can do anything we set our minds to. Some goals are harder to achieve, but most things can be done with the right amount of drive and guidance. The hard part is choosing the destination. Think carefully about what you will admire about yourself, and then go about achieving it. If the people around you don’t value it, it might be time for a different audience.
