Keep Ya Head Up

Over the past two weeks there has been numerous accounts of job losses, unemployment claims, and general anxiety as a result of CV19. A few of my close friends have called, stressed about their jobs and the economic impact. I wish I could do more to help them, and all the people I see struggling with a similar dilemma. I wanted to write about my experience dealing with getting laid off in the hopes that it would help those going through a similar process. I am not saying I felt the pain that you might be feeling. I was however extremely unhappy and dealt with it in ways that were not positively constructive to my health or wellbeing. I want to share the experience and what I learned.

My Story

When I left Berlin in 2018 I had a job offer in London with a financial technology startup. It was a Head of Product role and I would be considered one of the senior members on the team. I had been speaking with the company for over a year and finally they pulled the trigger. I was ecstatic. I got a job in a city I always wanted to live in, for a company I thought was doing cool work, in a role I thought I would be good at.

I told my boss at the time I was leaving, turned down his offer for a higher salary. I told the three friends I knew in London that I was coming. When I got to London, I signed an expensive year long lease, and spent hundreds of dollars on moving. I had finally received what I thought I deserved, whatever that means.

Over the next three months, I was invited to a number of meetings with senior members and the CEO. I got to work alongside the CTO and really understand the business. At some point however I started to realize there was a disconnect between what I thought was the ethical thing to do and what the CEO wanted to do. Additionally I had a year of product management experience, and 2 years running a startup. I may not have been best suited for a head of product role. Either case it was clear I was not a fit for the company and at the end of August 2018 they decided to let me go. No severance. No pity pay. Nothing.

The COO, the person who I had grown to admire over the year and the one who brought me in was tearful when he shared the news. I didn’t know how to respond and it felt like it had come out of nowhere. Glassdoor reviews of the company were poor, and many employees later mentioned there had been lots of people before me that shared the same fate. At that moment however, none of that mattered. What mattered to me was that I just spent a lot of money to give up what now seemed to be a great opportunity in Berlin. I worked hard for this role. I came in on weekends, I read everything they would send me and did so much additional research. I really felt I had something to prove. I wanted them to know that I was good enough to head their product. I felt I deserved the salary and opportunity. And at the same time, I felt like they were idiots.

When I got home I told no one. I sat down and started calculating my budget. How would I pay my rent? How would I afford food? How could I live in London? After I realized I had a few months of savings to dip into, I started job hunting. I thought I could find something quite easily.

Over the next few weeks I told no one about my situation. An obvious mistake in hindsight. My roommate realized I was working from home a lot, and to his credit he didn’t ask me about the details. I didn’t tell my friends in London or friends back home. I told my parents 3 weeks later because I was not getting anywhere. Why didn’t I reach out? I was too proud. I didn’t want anyone to see that I had failed. I didn’t want people telling me I can come back to Toronto and get a job. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was not good enough. Because if people knew that I was not good enough, then it would make it true. And that would mean I actually was not good enough.

Over the next month I started telling friends as the job hunt was not going well and I needed introductions. I started going to any meet up or event to convince anyone to hire me. I even considered going back to Toronto. I was sad. I was not myself at all. I had anxiety and stress like I have never felt in my life. I would compare myself to people on the street and never feel like I was good enough. I never wanted to leave the house, and nothing anyone said ever cheered me up. The absolute worst moment was when this girl who I had started dating a month before I got fired, broke up with me. I lost my charisma, and she wouldn’t say it’s because of the job, but it definitely had to do with my confidence.

This downward spiral lasted for about two months. A friend of a friend finally gave me a shot and let me do some consulting work for his business. I don’t know what he saw in me but I will forever be grateful. Working for him extended my runway for a few more months until I landed on my feet and got myself a job.

I can get into more details about the pain I felt and coping mechanisms that didn’t work but lets get to the useful stuff.

What I learned

Don’t tie your identity to your job

My biggest takeaway from all this was fusing identity and work. I always thought my work was who I was. Status in society mattered a lot to me, and what I did and how much I made, made me who I am. I failed to appreciate that it was one part of me. I am a different person in different areas of my life and they all need balancing. While work is important, I also enjoy sports, and spending time with friends, and hacking together ideas. I failed to do all that because I was consumed by my work and how amazing I thought my life was because of it.

Your job is only one part of you. Think about and even write down all the other parts of you that matter and focus on those. Appreciate those. The things that make you happy don’t come down to how good you are at making money because there is a lot more to life than that. It takes time really appreciating this but it’s a very important lesson.

Since that day, I have made sure to do a few things daily that I want to make sure are a part of my life. This includes meditation, exercise, messaging my parents and reading. I fail at balancing at times but I always reset because it’s important. Also doing things daily makes up your identity. How you spend and what you think about in the sum total of your waking hours is who you are.

Accept what happened and don’t blame yourself

I wish I had acknowledged what happened sooner and spent less time chasing negative thoughts. I spent so much time thinking about what I could have done better, who I should have talked to, what things I should have said in what meeting. And then just re-living those moments regretfully.

You don’t need to do that. Acknowledge the reality as soon as you can. Find out how you can improve if that is a case, otherwise just let it sink in. Take accountability where you think you should be accountable so you can improve.

It’s not easy admitting to failure or taking rejection. For many of us, this is our first real recession. Be kind to yourself and remember it is okay to fail. Its especially okay to fail when its a systematic failure. That’s no excuse however to not improve.

Reach out to your support system

If I had reached out earlier, I probably would have a job earlier. I was too proud to tell anyone I had failed. Don’t be like me. You don’t have to tell the world but don’t be afraid to seek help. Believe me the world is more kind than not. Believe me people who you never thought could help you, will. In the end, we humans are hardwired to support each other. That’s the only reason we have evolved.

Get ready for the rollercoaster

The first 1–2 weeks of being laid off didn’t feel real. It felt like everything was going to be okay. It didn’t hit me until the third week. That is when I realized I may not be okay. Interviewers were taking time, the salary I wanted was not right, I started to realize this was going to be tough. People said I should be back on my feet in 3 months. At the time, you can say they were right.

At this time, I don’t know. I think the after effects of this pandemic could be drastic. There might be more information asymmetry than we imagine. Top investors are suggesting 9 months minimum with a total rebound taking up to 3 years. Epidemiologists are modelling 18–24 months. People are still hanging out at parks and going outside. Trump still has no appreciation for human life. I don’t know what that means for jobs and general wealth. I just don’t understand how thousands dying, and millions unemployed can be a blip on the stock market. I could be wrong. Brace yourself for whats to come but don’t let it create apathy.

Remember the people looking up to you are still looking up to you

One of the things that got me through was knowing there was a number of younger friends and people in my community that knew I’d be okay. Maybe if I had a younger sibling or a child it would feel the same. I don’t know. I know that I felt people depending on me to succeed and I knew I would prove them right and take care of them.

There are people probably depending on you. Just remember that in these tough times, while money and jobs are important, your character is what they will value. They know you will be okay, but just make sure you don’t lose who you are in the process.

Learn new skills

One of the best takeaways from any painful experience is what you can learn from it. I’d approach this from two angles. One is what can I learn to improve my chances of getting hired, and two is what are some core areas that are fairly untouched when things go back. Healthcare, technology, and finance seem to be fairly robust. Maybe those are areas to consider learning more about. Youtube surprisingly has better classes than Udemy for technology. If you need motivation find a group of people that share your passion.

Caveat on technology: It’s been a taboo in the tech industry that coders in emerging markets are just as good or better than coders in North America. If remote work does take off, and we can solve the time zone/language barrier, I fear tech salaries will start to plateau or decrease. The need however will still be there.

Network

This is likely the best time to network. People are stuck and home and need to talk. Recessions always spark useful partnerships. Many companies from Honda to M&Ms were started as a result of putting two and two together. Put yourself out there. I am not saying it is easy, but believe me people crave interaction more than ever. The best reason to connect is always one over mutual benefit.

Journal

Journalling has helped me find calm in a sea of craziness. We’re in a sea of craziness that might become an ocean of craziness. Start writing stuff you see and hear. Write happy notes, angry notes, sad notes. Just get it out there. It will help you in the long run and definitely in the short run.

Find trends and spot opportunities

Supply chains are probably going to be coming in shore. People don’t trust China as much any more and this pandemic really showed us why offshoring is a disadvantage. People are also capable of working from home, albeit a ~20% dip in productivity made up for by longer hours. Maybe that means commercial leases will drop? Maybe that means more remote technologies? The more unprecedented the time the more dystopian the opportunity.

Please be grateful

‘Nuff said

Keep ya head up

I may never know if anything I write actually makes an impact. I write it because it bothers me seeing very capable friends lose their jobs. I write it because I see fragments of the world lose colour and I want to do something. I can’t employ people yet, I don’t have the means. I hope what I write gives you something greater. I hope it gives you energy and motivation to face the day. I hope it helps you realize you are not alone and it sets you up to recognize what road may lie ahead. I saw the recession in ’08 but I was in school. I have no idea how bad it gets. I also don’t even know what will happen to my career or economic situation. I just know that its better to face whatever comes with strength and energy.

If you read this and want to reach out please feel free. I’ll be more than happy to introduce you to my network if I see a fit. I can also read over your CV or cover letter and help you prepare for an operations, consulting or product role if that is what you need. Also ready to just listen and hear you rant. You can hit me up on Twitter or email me at jiwanix@gmail.com